Hysterectomy? Now?

“Did the Doctor ask you about a biopsy?”

The nurse queried while looking at a screen, viewing my results from an ultrasound I’d had an hour ago.

“Excuse me?”

She then back-tracked her question, stating that I was too young (35)… Que the Doctor, in his usual fashion, with a hug. He got right down to business and told that an ablation for my “issues” was no longer possible because I had “adenomyosis”.  My blank stare tipped him off that I had no idea what he was talking about. Pulling up the pictures from my ultrasound, he told me that normal muscle would appear as a thick layer of gray. Looking at my pictures I viewed in shock that there were only a few splotches of grey among a sea of black holes and white spots. He began:

“The tech told me that the whole thing looked like that. It’s not just a couple of spots…”

Basically, the endometrium had invaded into the muscle lining and all those spots were invading lining, fibroids and cysts. Fast forward through the one million questions I ask him and we are now planning the date for a hysterectomy surgery, and a little reconstruction to the damage caused by childbearing (silver lining).

“I’m not telling anyone. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to sit quietly in the corner, heal and brush this under the rug and get on with my life.” I tell my husband.

I only know of a handful of women who have had this surgery. Two of them dear friends who, like me, were in their thirties. I am so grateful for these two vibrant friends and their candid, open conversations about struggles with feeling alone, in denial and even old. Often, the stigma that goes along with a hysterectomy is that it’s only for older women. And for good cause, all the women in brochures and websites appear to have been enjoying the retired life for a good number of years. But the reality is that, “66% of all hysterectomies in the US are performed on women in their thirties and forties” – Sex, Lies and the Truth about Uterine Fibroids. So why did my two friends feel completely alone? Why should any women feel alone? I’m not starting a feminist movement or even some cushy community. But I do want other women to know, you’re not alone! I choose to break the silence, shame and stigma that keep so many feeling alone. The truth is that: I am not alone, I am young, I will no longer be in constant pain nor have to plan my life around the”monsoon floods”. I will recover and get on with life better than my pre-surgery self. And that sounds pretty good.

 

Success

What is success? Many will measure life by monetary gains to be made or a list of; accomplishments, medals, honors and awards and credentials. Still for others it’s a list of holy duty, living a life of perfection and precision. Their satisfaction is found in knowing they didn’t make as many mistakes as others.

Recently, life has brought a few opportunities for me to evaluate my life’s accomplishments and record them for review. The process made me uncomfortable, certainly I can’t compare with my colleagues backgrounds and abilities. What I failed to realize in that frame of mind is, true fulfillment has nothing to do with a list of achievements. My passions and abilities had brought me to this place. I was successful for other reasons.

Our culture hands us a silver measuring stick at birth, so we might judge ourselves against others to decide who’s better. Better looking, more affluent, stronger, smarter, faster…the inventory is limitless. True success is found at the polar opposite of that thought pattern. To find triumph in this life we must embrace what each day has for us. Though it may end in failure, attempt to do the things that seem unattainable. Learn graceful truths from failures and mistakes. Find joy and pursue what is beautiful in the journey. Faults and errors shape us in ways that nothing else ever could. We are variable and not meant to become a society of round pegs. One person’s mold was never meant to fit another. Those on the adventurous route never find themselves saying, “I can’t” or ” I shouldn’t” . But instead question, “how can I?”. Once a dream is captured, hold on tightly because pressures will come and an expectancy for that dream to produce may set in. Although it may not appear as success in the process of the journey- further down the road- all pursuits, mistakes and passions will deliver a life of adventure without regret. Finances and achievement often follow a person moving confidently towards a dream but, those things should never be the quest.

Lastly, cheer each other on! Whether another is struggling on their journey or they have reached a crowning pinnacle of achievements, we should encourage and delight in them. The human race is so multi-faceted that when reflecting onto the past from afar, we will all behold an opulent diamond shining from every side. Embrace each day and never frown upon what appears to be simple beginnings.

Body Image

Yup, I’m going there, and it’s going to get vulnerable. For as long as I can recall, I’ve had a round booty and- starve or eat- could never get rid of it. I once sported perfect abs and muscle definition and later thought to myself, “why did I not enjoy that when I had it?” “I was so dumb then.” I’ve always been decently in shape. However, lately, I’ve taken a different approach to my thoughts on health. In my youth: I played sports, marched in the band, cheered and danced ballet. I had set out to find myself and I allowed my activities to define me. To the point that I began eating less and less and working harder to achieve both optimal physical ability and improve on my appearance. In my twenties I was either having babies or nursing them (bye-bye perky breasts). Video workouts, walking and biking were my great escape. In my early thirties, I worked long hours in the gym with a trainer. Self-care is never wasted time yet, self-obsession is. Once again I was all wrapped up in body image and losing that darn baby fat. What I didn’t realize is that I was already lovely to behold.

I had failed to understand that in every stage there is beauty. A two year break from self-obsession taught me to breathe, to marvel at what my body had done and been through. Seriously, it created and sustained three amazing children! My body carried me through health, injury and disease. It has healed itself too many times to count. I have a voice that can sing; a heart filled with mercy and compassion; ears that hear the sweetest of whispers; eyes to behold the wonders of my world; and strength to carry me further than imaginable.

Today, I am active with CrossFit and I have a different approach. Having always been competitive, I push myself but, no longer is it about body image. Now, I set goals to break my limitations and I believe in myself. Currently healing a debilitating knee injury, I am learning to accept rest and find creative ways (like swimming) to keep moving and kick atrophy in the face. I give my body what it wants and I eat when I’m hungry. I enjoy whole foods for a long, quality life, but I also indulge on dark chocolate and have a soft spot for good cheese. But the best part in all of this is that in spite of my tiger stripes, mama-pooch, smaller bra size and round derriere, I finally believe that my body is beautifully and wonderfully made.
Embrace who you are, wear the suit and swim in the pool! Don’t allow your image of yourself to hold you back from the life of adventure that awaits. You are a magnificent creature to behold, lovely in form and feature.

Slow Down!

“Slow down and be present in your own life”. These are words I would expect to hear from my great-grandmother while strolling  along the sandy cool beaches near her home in northern Michigan. But instead, I hear myself muttering it to rude drivers, distracted parents in a park and on some occasions myself and family.

The red Buick sped past me faster than lightning. Looking at my odometer I was already going more than ten over the speed limit and by the rate she flew by I estimate the driver to be going 80 or 90 MPH. “Wow! Hope she makes it to the hospital in time” I earnestly thought to myself. Then a few miles up, a livestock trailer hauling a few cows was being pulled by a NASCAR driver. Clipping away at high speeds until an abrupt stop at each intersection. Seriously, how those cows didn’t break a leg is beyond me. A loose interior gate in the trailer didn’t help matters. It smacked against the cows, knocking them aside at every white-knuckle turn and stop. How important is it to be on time? Important enough to harm a life?

Laughter and a facetious grin filled my face when I found myself behind the speedy red Buick at the highway exit ramp.  At the stop light I’m certain she saw the Cheshire cat staring back from her rear-view mirror. She drove past the urgent care center and as I turned to my destination I saw her pull into the mall. That must have been a darn good sale!

Then, in my minivan contemplation/ frustration time, I remembered a life-changing trip I took to South Africa and Mozambique a few years ago. The following phrase has often replayed in my mind; “we’re on Africa time, baby!”. Often our group would load into the open top trucks like bags of rice only to clamor back out because the schedule had changed or the drivers weren’t ready. Nothing ever happened on our time. It was always “Africa time” and quite frankly, it was refreshing. I welcomed not being in control and being forced to relax and enjoy my surroundings and laugh my cares away with the others. I do wonder, how would fast-paced America survive on Africa’s timetable?

Without the cell phones, wi-fi, emails, ASAP commands and knowledge (not necessarily wisdom) constantly bombarding our eyes and ears. Could we escape the madness to find ourselves? So many have forgotten how to dream, imagine and let go like a child. Even our children are being taught to obey, follow commands and carry out objectives. Are we losing something in our quest for knowledge and greatness? I propose that we’re losing our greatest asset, ourselves.  More than ever we have the ability and resources to express our individuality, which is awesome. But so few actually find who they are, they are simply a reflection of the identity that has been placed upon them and not of that which should have been drawn out of them.

Every person is a unique solution to an issue facing this world. Our uniqueness makes us a specific response that no one else could answer. Slow down, look inside to the light that burns within. There is a passion buried beneath the leaves and mud of generations of systematic thinking. If you knew where you were going, if a desire burned within, there would be no speeding off to a destination because every action would be intentional. Be intentional about your life. Pursue that which alights your soul. The joy of life is found in the journey, not the arrival. Enjoy the bumps in the road and breath in the air and colors of your world. Simplify.

I leave you with this beautiful quote by Beverly Sills,

“There are no shortcuts to anyplace worth going”

Fighting Fire With Fire Burns Everyone

Recently I attended an event at a church. I should’ve heeded that uneasy feeling in my gut when deciding whether or not to go. The guest speaker expounded on how we have a loving Father in heaven and that he loves all of his children so dearly. Then in the same paragraph explained how he had answered her prayers when ISIS began turning on themselves, Ok, at this point your interest is high and you may question,

“what’s wrong with that?!”

Well, nothing. If by “turn on themselves” she meant they understood the deception they were under and disbanded. But I took her further explanation to mean they were destroying, even killing each other.

“still, what’s wrong with that? It’s purely justified.” You continue to wonder.

Again, nothing. If you believe God to be a schizophrenic, power hungry controller bent on justice and vengeance while at the same time loving. Who loves his children enough to lay down his very life to be with them and then watches them destroy each other. But every time I look at Jesus’ example, He never waged war. In fact, he was killed for rejecting the very culture and ideas of war and power. He was not the King the Jews were expecting to redeem them and relinquish all Roman rule. He never gave into political agendas, but had his own justice in mind, setting people free. This has always been the plan.

Still questioning my sanity? I am a mother of three and if two of my kids killed the other, my heart would be broken and destroyed. But, my love would never cease for the other two children. I would do everything in my power stop them from turning the knife into each other.  My life’s goal would be to heal their hearts and minds from whatever could cause them to act so heinously. If I allowed them to die because of their actions, I would have lost three children, not one. I understand it’s a hard pill to swallow. But I have come to believe that the “God of all love”, does not desire destruction for any of his children. That’s how we differ from him. He carries the capacity to love in all circumstances.

My heart goes out to the lost and hurting who believe the lies of ISIS. If given the chance, I would lay my life down that you would know true love. I do not believe you are the monsters you act out to be. I believe deep within there is a strength to stand up and walk away from the voice of violence. Even if standing up means losing your life. In every action of our lives we have the ability to speak hope, to deliver love. Even in our death.

You may not ever agree, and I’m ok with that. My hearts desire is that I caused you to stop and question what is really accomplished through war and violence. Pause and reflect on how Jesus walked in peace.

Pursued

In everything you do- no matter what you believe or don’t believe- you have always been pursued. There is a love greater than your mistakes and more momentous than all your triumphs. Love has been chasing after you and wooing your heart since before you drew your first breath. God is the love that pursues you like a groom for his bride, you are the object of all his affections. Even if it is never reciprocated, his love will never stop or turn away from lavishing you with goodness. You are the beloved and all of heaven sings over you.

A Christian Apology

to all my atheist and agnostic friends out there, I am sorry. I’m sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered at the hands of the Church, I’m sorry for the inauthentic lives of “Christians” you have observed. The very word “Christian” repels me also, instead, call me a follower of Christ. I’m sorry that any of your experiences with a so-called God brought pain, confusion, disillusion and ultimately the decision to believe he could not exist or wasn’t worth knowing. I want to be the first to say, “I love you”, without having an agenda to get you to say a prayer or change your behavior.

To my gay friends; even if you never change into anyone’s expectation of you, I accept and love you for who you are. Because you deserve to feel accepted and loved.

To my Hindu, Buddhist and Muslim friends; we alike seek the same thing; to know a higher power and find the force that drives our lives. I hope you find the light you seek. I pray you find the God that sets the table for you and invites you to feast at his table. The God whose only desire for you is relationship. The God who celebrates and adores you. Not principle, not rules and laws, not anything except love.

To my friends who feel trapped in a church setting where you are not free to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Most likely it is spiritual abuse you are suffering from. Much like a bad marriage, you may think you are the one with the problem and possibly believed the lies; “you just can’t live up to what’s expected of you… Nobody will ever accept you after this”. Well, there is light at the end of the tunnel and nothing will be more healthy for you than getting out of this toxic relationship. Your gifts and abilities shouldn’t be stifled because there isn’t room for anyone to shine but your brilliant leaders. We are all members of the body, the hand cannot function without the heart…Your gifts are important to the body.

In all of this, I wish to say; let me become the tangible form of all that has hurt and abused you in the name of religion and with tears in my eyes, tell you that I am sorry. My heart aches and yearns for you to have an encounter with love himself, that his tenderness will wash away the wounds, fears and pain and show you that the word “love” is actually a person.

To the leaders and Pastors etc who feel I am a fool. Perhaps I am, but no argument will stand against an encounter with the Father. No knowledge or amount of learning would I ever exchange for the visions, words, giftings and drunken love I get from a very real God. You can let go of control. Just fall backwards in the water, you will be caught and enveloped in a love that will wash away all of your wounds. All of the striving to maintain perfection and control has been in vain. You were accepted before you ever made any choice, it was never about your “doing”. I am sorry for the lies that were placed on you that you somehow had to earn acceptance or love. All of God’s wrath was never against you, it was against the lies that held you captive to a set of principles and prevented you from experiencing relationship with love Himself.

In closing, I don’t wish to change anyone or sway their thoughts about God or Jesus or anything like that. I simply wish to apologize on behalf of any “Christian” who has hurt you. Everyone deserves to feel peace and I desire that you would no longer be captive to the pain and lies that attempt to ensnare your heart. Freedom. May glorious, beautiful freedom be the anthem of your heart.

I love you.

Radical Grace

“I’ve been struggling with pornography”, “I keep battling my flesh and I need to quit smoking”. I hear these types of comments from people frequently. But I’d like to highlight truths found in Romans 6:2-5 (emphasis added) “…since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?…For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.”

” Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ (dead) so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.”

So then, what is Flesh? It is sin, it is carnal desires. This verse repeats that we are no longer slaves to sin, that we have died to sin. Why then do we keep going back to the graveyard to beat up our own corpses? We have risen with Christ and been made new. We are an entirely new creation, never before seen on this earth (2 Cor 5:17). That’s why it’s called a new birth. Sin is no longer a symptom our lives, our death with Christ has inoculated us from it!

So then, what are we battling? Paul states in Ephesians 6:12 that, ” we don’t struggle against flesh and blood (remember the dead corpse?), but against rulers of the unseen world, against mighty powers, and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (heavenly realms is speaking of earth). Should we be chasing devils and casting them out of this world then? You may be surprised to hear this but, no. Not exactly. What we battle and struggle against are the lies. The lies that tell us we are just a sinner saved by grace. We are in fact saints. If you are struggling with lust, pride, contempt, murder etc…You have believed a lie that says you have not overcome and many other lies about your identity. We defeat our adversary by seeking the truth about ourselves, Jesus life is the truth about us. We seek the truth of the completed works of Christ and our identity in Jesus because we are his righteousness. For every struggle, God has a revelation waiting within us, just waiting to be birthed in our lives. We should be asking’ “God, what do you have for me in place of this lie?” You are the beloved and he stands with golden bowls ready to pour oil of revelation and healing into our hearts where the lies have taken up space. He gives unhindered relationship for loneliness, joy for mourning, generosity for poverty and so much more. What do you need today?

You were created to reign in dominion on this earth and all of creation is at the ready for you to declare the commands. You were made in his good, perfect image. You are not a broken image of the Father because you are a new creation and the old and broken is buried with Christ. If we will stop trying to sacrifice our dead selves and begin to walk into our true identities we will be  the tangible form of the Father’s love to every person; without judgement and without inhibition, just as Jesus walked.

Thanks for reading and be encouraged!

Ok, let’s get one thing straight…

I read a Facebook post today that read, “a spirit of depression is sweeping the nation…prayer warriors, join me in prayer…”. I believe this to be in lieu of Robin Williams recent passing. In no way do I downplay mental illness, it can be a serious issue for its sufferers and my heart yearns for nothing more than to see them healed.

My frustration with that post was this; are you really going to give depression that much glory to say it is sweeping the nation? Really? Consider this, it’s a world-wide issue, not just our nation. Second, if you consider yourself a Christian then by all means pray, yes. But don’t prophecy doom and gloom. If you are a follower of Jesus you will note that he NEVER focused on what the enemy was doing, he only did what he saw his Father do. Besides that I am utterly frustrated with the warriors who hide in their prayer closets and pray that God would make the world better. We need intercessors, yes. Have we forgotten that we are the body? We are the hands and feet of Jesus. Quit being afraid to love messy people and fear their messes may somehow get on ourselves. Get out and be the light that is inside of you. Hope, healing and restoration were never intended to be hidden in churches, homes and small groups. We ARE the church. Church is for the equipping the saints and therefor it is NOT the event. The event is your life. Your life and the way you love your world are what creates change. I’m angry with fear, I’m irate with the lies that reduce powerful people into mere prayer warriors when they are the manifested solution to the issue at hand.

A smile; returning a dropped dollar; paying for a coffee; any act of kindness could have changed someone’s day. Could have forever changed the course of a life, or death. Never underestimate any gesture of kindness. We are called to heal the nations and healing doesn’t begin until we reach out first. Prayer holds the power to shift situations, please pray, if you feel called to do so. Prayer without action is like saying you want an ice cream cone but not being willing to pay for it. Sometimes you will get a gift, but other times it requires our action. Risk is a sacrifice, but win or fail, you will be rewarded every time. You never know, today’s risk may be tomorrow’s victory for a person without hope, suffering with thoughts of suicide.

Lets play with matches kids!

My little girl walks in the door and tells me that Lauren (the neighbor girl) cannot play because her parents aren’t home. So I tell her she should tell Lauren that now would be the perfect time to play with matches. My boys, of course, burst into laughter.
My point is this: kids do know right from wrong and they don’t need constant reminders from us. Children do however, need a safe place to be trusted to make choices for themselves. All people need this.  I can joke like this with my kids, because they know I trust them to make choices that will protect our relationship. They also know that failure is only a challenge to think differently about their choice and what it caused for them and the world around them. They know that they are always accepted and my love for them is not affected by their choices. This is the kind of love we have been given by the Father. He’s not waiting for us to fail, ready to punish us. He loves in every season. He is the tangible entity of love.  At our worst, the greatest love and grace is available to us, if only we would turn our senses on and accept loves warm embrace and hear it’s whispers;

“I’m so proud of you,  you are amazing and creative”, “I love watching you do enjoy your favorite things”, ” you make me happy”…

Loves hands reach for us continuously, even while we play with fire.

So the next time you feel the shame of failure, be excited that you get to take a journey more wild than others. Be elated for receiving more grace than those who didn’t make the wrong choice. Finally, move on fully in the freedom that you have,  being unhindered by the choices of your past.